The Triangle

Issue date: 11/9/07 Section: Arts & Entertainment

The cover pretty much tells it all: not flashy, not catchy, not interesting. Don't let the prospect of something having an awesome name fool you into buying its horrid contents.

You may know Beowulf as an Old English tale that told of a rash hero of sorts that had slain several undeniably monstrous being. Or perhaps you know it as the soon to be silver screen adaptation of that very tale; it is very doubtful that you associate the word Beowulf with a thrash Christian metal band from Venice Beach, California. Yes, I had not heard of them until recently, so try not to get too worried; you have not fallen behind the times.

The band gives special thanks to God and other spiritual figures, yet their lyrics (or lack thereof) tell of drinking beer and watching NASCAR (how sacrilegious can one get?). The album, Westminster 500 E, opens with a track entitled NASCAR Fan. The song features an uninspired, atrocity of a rhythm guitar that would make Megadeath weep and lyrics that try to depict the heat of a NASCAR race, but fall flat and come off as an ill-fated Public Service Announcement against wild driving antics.

The driving tutorial of a song is then followed up by Soaked, where the lead singer admits "I just want a beer." The song sounds like it wants to imitate the vocals of Ozzy Osbourne, but with a chorus of 7 words repeating 16 times at an obnoxious tempo, I am almost positive that Ozzy would not feel any amount of flattery from this mock up.

One more forgettable song later and we have Mission. One simply cannot begin to explain what this song's purpose is. Dueling guitars make for a messy, annoying racket that goes on for 2 minutes and 40 seconds and the lyrics, instead of acting as a mean of redemption only punish the song further by only supplying eight different words, one of which is "mission" and that word is repeated 33 times.

Once Mission comes to a hush and your Tylenol finally decides to kick in you are then further provoked to purchase more over the counter pain killers with Stoned Otis. This track surprisingly boasts a short tale; an uninteresting tale, but a tale all the same. The singer even tells you, "I woke up one day and I had a pain", thus reassuring you that the dull stinging sensation you feel in your head is mutual for band and fan alike.

From that point on every 1 of the remaining 12 tracks begin to sound identical. The vocals become an unintelligible mess, the bass beats throb monotonously through out your skull as the same guitar riff you swore you heard on the first track still whines in your ears until the album finally concludes. This album is truly uninspired, offering absolutely no reason for purchase and especially when better examples of metal can be found just about anywhere. Avoid this not-so mythical album at all costs.

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