The Triangle

Issue date: 6/8/07 Section: Ed-Op
Originally published: 6/8/07 at 3:55 AM EST
Last update: 6/8/07 at 3:55 AM EST

For those of you that don't read this column, which is everyone, this will be my final column for The Triangle. Ever. I tried hard to transfer into a better school and failed miserably, managing to only get into George Mason University, which is about three or four miles from my house. The main motivation for leaving was the fact that this school is ridiculously expensive but completely useless because I have no engineering, business or nursing skills, which makes any degree with the Drexel stamp on it worth less than the piece of paper it's printed on. GMU provides almost the exact same run-down campus and mediocre education, but at a tenth of the price of Drexel. But I wouldn't take up all this space just to badmouth the school and remind the students of how their educational efforts are just going to be laughed at by any legitimate employers. That would be a real dick move on my part. Instead, I'm going to give you a parting gift that will lessen the miniscule effect of my absence. I am going to tell you how to write one of my columns, but to make it fun, I'm going to put it in the form of a Mad-Lib. That way, writing a column that will be as good as or better than one of mine will be easy as pie. Just fill in the blanks as directed.

I was (activity) the other day, when I noticed something different than usual. Normally, (plot from a Dukes of Hazzard episode), which explains why (Hitler activity) was so popular. However, this time it was different because (unusual way of having your genitals damaged). It was almost as if (activity) had been replaced by (entire script from Apocalypse Now!). The sheer (adjective) of the situation was unbearable. I was so (synonym for angry) that I (painful activity). I knew at once that this could not stand.

This was not the case many (measurement of time) ago. In fact, (fake historical event). Even (historical figure) was quoted as saying (fake quote that makes historical figure seem less impressive than before). Although (historical figure) was a flaming (shameful quality), he/she is still worthy of our respect and should be honored by erecting a giant (physical object) to memorialize them. It would be so (synonym for cool) that even those shifty (anti-Semitic term) couldn't complain unless they wanted to be slapped around like those lousy (anti-Irish term) and yelled at in (non-romance language). But I have (synonym for no) worries that such a thing could happen. It is because of (song lyric) that I have faith in our ability to right the wrongs of the past and (Simpsons episode).

Continued...

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