The Triangle

Issue date: 6/8/07 Section: Ed-Op
Originally published: 6/8/07 at 3:55 AM EST
Last update: 6/8/07 at 3:55 AM EST

But the path to (obscure Midwestern town) is not an easy one. Society is currently controlled by (Hollywood talent agency), which is in turn run by a shadowy clandestine group known as (80s hair-metal band). The only way to defeat them is by (Bible quote), which makes sense if you think about it when strung out on (Truman Capote novel other than Breakfast at Tiffany's). The battle will be epic, way more epic than (movie by the guy who did 16 Candles), with (made up number) times more blood. Charlton Heston would be proud both as the man who played Moses in that movie and as the world's most violent senior citizen. Charlton Heston's pride aside, there is no reason that this (French word for revolution) needs to stall for too much longer. We as (citizens of the country between Canada and Mexico) need to recognize that our lack of action is not only killing (African group), but ourselves as well. Can you honestly look at yourself and say you've never (episode of Twin Peaks) to a racehorse while burning the (flag of a South American country) and had a nine year old girl be horrified at what you had done? I thought not, you nine-year-old frightener, you. It's precisely that kind of behavior that is aiding those dirty (members of a political group) and hurting us.

But I'm not here to just sit around on my ass telling you how to live your lives. I'm just (statement completely contradictory to previous sentence). It is only by being united that we can be able to (complete lyrics from Les Miserables). Other nations are already beating us in this regard, and to be beaten by (Communist Asian powerhouse) is not only un(citizen of the country between Canada and Mexico), but also morally wrong because of (obscure trade agreement). I may not know how to fix this problem, but I'm not above pointing it out, complaining about it and yelling at other people to fix it so that I don't have to lift a finger. That, dear (Amazonian insect), is how this nation will overcome the bad times and rise to unseen glory that was most accurately depicted in (Hogan's Heroes episode where Sgt. Shultz yells "I KNOW NOZZZZIIIIIING!).

See? It's that easy. Nothing but television references, penis jokes and numerous racist terms not relevant to the actual story itself. That's all it takes to be a great columnist. But now the evils of capitalism and those shysters in the student loans/scholarship department have forced me to take my one-trick pony elsewhere. It's been fun writing for you Drexel, but frankly, this place just has a concentration-camp feel to it that's been bothering me for the past nine months, which made me less depressed to leave. I'll simply leave you with the words of an author that I suspect a large majority of you have never even read. "Good night, sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!"



Eamonn Rockwell is a freshman majoring in communications. He can be reached through ed-op@thetriangle.org

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