Spring Break
Alphabiotics: Sorry guys, it's a cult!
Aaron Sakulich
Issue date: 6/8/07 Section: Ed-Op
I've made some bad choices in my life. I once drank a quart of butter on a dare. I wrote an article about scientology wherein I called them a bunch of names, not knowing that scientologists regularly shoot people for such things. Even now, as I'm writing this, I'm eating sesame-covered anchovies in hot sauce, which I bought at the Chinese supermarket in Chinatown.
And what are the results of these poor decisions? It depends on who you ask. Other than high cholesterol and a blinding, irrational distaste for the state of Oregon, they haven't had too much effect on my life. On the other hand, if you ask an Alphabioticist, they've had the effect of disrupting the True Flow of Life Energy into my Spiritual Consciousness, leading to a serious upset it my Right Intent.
Alphabiotics is sort of a medicine and a religion. It was started in the 1920s by a certain Virgil B. Chrane and continued by his son, Virgil Chrane Jr. The original Virgil's grandson, Michael, is in charge of it today, based out of Texas.
The Alphabiotics Web site is chock full of information; unfortunately, none of it states precisely what Alphabiotics are. They go on and on and on about the benefits, though, from Alphabiotic sessions one can expect to feel and think better, achieve inner peace, foster a tighter connection to their inner source of power, and gain the ability to take advantage of the body's natural capacity for wellness. Sounds good! I could use all of those things, except the tightening of my inner power source. That sounds unpleasant.
But how exactly do Alphabioticists achieve these results? Well, their Web site clearly states several dozen times that Alphabiotics are not a "treatment" and cannot be used as medicine: they're a way of life. A way of life that apparently requires "a gentle, though unique, movement of the head [that] is accomplished in less than fifteen seconds" whilst one sits on the "Alphabiotic couch." In layman's terms, that means a dude fondles your head until you have a spiritual awakening. Ladies, I'm willing to do this for free.
And what are the results of these poor decisions? It depends on who you ask. Other than high cholesterol and a blinding, irrational distaste for the state of Oregon, they haven't had too much effect on my life. On the other hand, if you ask an Alphabioticist, they've had the effect of disrupting the True Flow of Life Energy into my Spiritual Consciousness, leading to a serious upset it my Right Intent.
Alphabiotics is sort of a medicine and a religion. It was started in the 1920s by a certain Virgil B. Chrane and continued by his son, Virgil Chrane Jr. The original Virgil's grandson, Michael, is in charge of it today, based out of Texas.
The Alphabiotics Web site is chock full of information; unfortunately, none of it states precisely what Alphabiotics are. They go on and on and on about the benefits, though, from Alphabiotic sessions one can expect to feel and think better, achieve inner peace, foster a tighter connection to their inner source of power, and gain the ability to take advantage of the body's natural capacity for wellness. Sounds good! I could use all of those things, except the tightening of my inner power source. That sounds unpleasant.
But how exactly do Alphabioticists achieve these results? Well, their Web site clearly states several dozen times that Alphabiotics are not a "treatment" and cannot be used as medicine: they're a way of life. A way of life that apparently requires "a gentle, though unique, movement of the head [that] is accomplished in less than fifteen seconds" whilst one sits on the "Alphabiotic couch." In layman's terms, that means a dude fondles your head until you have a spiritual awakening. Ladies, I'm willing to do this for free.
Viewing Comments 1 - 10 of 22
James Lightfield
posted 6/08/07 @ 6:06 AM EST
You purposefully started your article with a sophomoric dig at Scientology.
What you reference is a nasty piece of hatred you wrote in The Triangle. (Continued…)
Artoo45
posted 6/08/07 @ 2:51 PM EST
What a fine and funny article. Good use of logic, wit and sarcasm. That trinity is garlic for the cult true believer (cue hissing sound). No wonder you got ol' Jimmy Lightfloss Boy Apologist™ to pop out of the ether to defend Elron's money machine (despite the fact that this article was about a competitor of theirs). (Continued…)
Aleksey Tsalolikhin
posted 6/08/07 @ 10:40 PM EST
The aims of Scientology are a civilization without criminals, insanity and war. Do you really want to get in the way of that? Find out what Scientology really is. (Continued…)
JeraldR
posted 6/15/07 @ 5:35 PM EST
A rebuttal article James? More a letter to the editor than a article. And just what does the link you post have to do with anything? You leave out the fact the link is a scientology link that shows a very edited clip. (Continued…)
Tris Brown
posted 7/16/07 @ 12:23 PM EST
I thought I?d write a reply to your post, I don?t usually do this sort of thing but when someone takes a swipe at my profession it usually catches my attention. (Continued…)
NancyA
posted 7/17/07 @ 1:04 PM EST
Aaron,
Does your criticsm of Alphabiotics stem from the experience of having one or more treatments?
Neal Robert Smookler
posted 7/29/07 @ 9:23 PM EST
It's seems so silly. One simply mentions the word spirituality or higher consciousness and people (Aaron) immediately assume a secret society, cult or worse?
I have been around developmental alphabiotics for a decade and a half and to even suggest that it's a cult is so misguided. (Continued…)
Neal Robert Smookler
posted 8/04/07 @ 4:19 PM EST
As a corollary, I feel the gateway to greater knowledge is through the experience. I think when anything new comes on the scene, especially something that really delivers - yet is so incomprehensibly simple; it tends to meet with resistance. (Continued…)
Dallas
posted 11/09/07 @ 1:26 PM EST
Your article was very entertaining. I actually go see Michael Chrane in Dallas to get realigned whenever my hips or legs get out of balance from exercising or basic everyday wear and tear on the body. (Continued…)
Nancy C.
posted 11/15/07 @ 3:22 PM EST
As someone who has enjoyed alphabiotic alignments from Neal Smookler in Boston for several years, I feel compelled to correct Aaron Sakulich's ridiculous assertion that Alphabiotics is a cult, a religion, or a "creepy way of life". (Continued…)
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