Spring Break
I've had it with these stupid animated penguin shows
By: Eamonn Rockwell
Issue date: 5/25/07 Section: Ed-Op
Originally published: 5/25/07 at 1:48 AM EST
Last update: 5/25/07 at 1:47 AM EST
Originally published: 5/25/07 at 1:48 AM EST
Last update: 5/25/07 at 1:47 AM EST
I was sitting on the couch in my living room the other night flipping between Comedy Central and Cartoon Network until Adult Swim came on. Since I haven't reached the point in my life where I need to find a job, it is still socially acceptable for me to watch cartoons even though I'm an adult. Rather than watch commercials for David Spade's Daily Show knockoff, I switched to Cartoon Network, hoping that Adult Swim had come on. Instead there was only a commercial for something that appeared to be another visual abortion in the form of a Disney movie about anthropomorphized penguins. Although I've seen plenty of commercials for penguin movies in my time, this particular one pissed me off so much that I cut my legs off with an old guitar string just to vent my rage.
If there's one thing that I can't stand other than mosquitoes, Communists and the music of Don Henley, it's those liberal Hollywood Zionists who cozy up to those damn aquatic birds. Though this has been done for decades, the 21st century has seen a massive rise in pressure from the South Pole. I have never supported penguins or their pro-fish-anti-democracy agenda because they refuse to integrate. Penguins are white and black, but their whiteness and blackness are never blended into a civil-rights-dream gray. The enforcement of segregation within their own bodies is unacceptable in this era, yet they have managed to slip through the cracks due to their isolation from any legitimate governmental authority.
Though it's easy to blame the Hollywood Zionists liberals for everything, mostly because they're an easy target who are usually guilty, this love of animated blaxploitacious (which is now officially a word) penguins is genuinely their fault. Though I have few, if any, complaints about the capitalist system, I will not deny that it can be easily exploited by sleaze-merchants out to make a few bucks without thinking of the future repercussions that their actions will have on future generations. Children will grow up with unrealistic views of penguins and their daily routines. Contrary to what poorly written children's movies will tell you, penguins do not dance, surf, tease seals, play instruments or control a large section of the military industrial complex. But this is starting to change drastically, particularly the part about penguins controlling part of the military. Before Vice President Dick Cheney became a major player in the company, he was nothing but a lowly oil-driller with a large gun collection. Penguin influence placed him in a well-paid position in exchange for his complete compliance and a bucket of anchovies. This move was merely another moment in a series of events that took penguins from southern hemisphere lowlifes to culture dominating idols.
If there's one thing that I can't stand other than mosquitoes, Communists and the music of Don Henley, it's those liberal Hollywood Zionists who cozy up to those damn aquatic birds. Though this has been done for decades, the 21st century has seen a massive rise in pressure from the South Pole. I have never supported penguins or their pro-fish-anti-democracy agenda because they refuse to integrate. Penguins are white and black, but their whiteness and blackness are never blended into a civil-rights-dream gray. The enforcement of segregation within their own bodies is unacceptable in this era, yet they have managed to slip through the cracks due to their isolation from any legitimate governmental authority.
Though it's easy to blame the Hollywood Zionists liberals for everything, mostly because they're an easy target who are usually guilty, this love of animated blaxploitacious (which is now officially a word) penguins is genuinely their fault. Though I have few, if any, complaints about the capitalist system, I will not deny that it can be easily exploited by sleaze-merchants out to make a few bucks without thinking of the future repercussions that their actions will have on future generations. Children will grow up with unrealistic views of penguins and their daily routines. Contrary to what poorly written children's movies will tell you, penguins do not dance, surf, tease seals, play instruments or control a large section of the military industrial complex. But this is starting to change drastically, particularly the part about penguins controlling part of the military. Before Vice President Dick Cheney became a major player in the company, he was nothing but a lowly oil-driller with a large gun collection. Penguin influence placed him in a well-paid position in exchange for his complete compliance and a bucket of anchovies. This move was merely another moment in a series of events that took penguins from southern hemisphere lowlifes to culture dominating idols.
Vince
posted 5/26/07 @ 3:23 AM EST
You don't like Don Henley? Why tell the world of your lack of musical taste?