I've had it with these stupid animated penguin shows
By: Eamonn Rockwell
Issue date: 5/25/07 Section: Ed-Op
Originally published: 5/25/07 at 1:48 AM EST
Last update: 5/25/07 at 1:47 AM EST
Originally published: 5/25/07 at 1:48 AM EST
Last update: 5/25/07 at 1:47 AM EST
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This new penguin-glamorization trend was officially recognized when Morgan Freeman started rambling on about penguins after the nurses in the home administered the wrong pills. Fearing a lawsuit, they simply put his ramblings over stock penguin footage shot in Antarctica. The resulting movie became a hit and inspired the Disney people to beat this dead horse until it was nothing but a liquefied dead horse. After many nights of being strung out on peyote and desperate to pay back their thumb-collecting bookies, the Disney writers decided to make a film about penguins that dance for some reason. Children, who are infamous for having incredibly poor taste when it comes to cinema, ate it up and yelled at their parents to buy them penguin merchandise. Parents, desperate to return to a time that my mother describes as, "before you came along and ruined my life", could only oblige.
So after the dancing penguin movie came out, I assumed that the fad would die and we could get back to carpet-bombing the Antarctic to prevent thawed space monsters from infecting bearded researchers. However, the Hollywood fat-cats decided to milk this cow long after it went milk-less and released another movie featuring penguins that represent ethnic stereotypes. Although I can't prove it, I'm pretty sure that the penguins have stupid names like "Sassy, the blaxploitacious mentor played by Whoopi Goldberg so she could pay off the debt to society that comes with having taken nude photos of herself" and "Whitey, the cowardly hero played by Zach Braff because he's just stupid and needs to build a nest egg." The penguins weren't satisfied just being prejudiced within their own community. They had to spread their hatred beyond their Antarctic borders, and we must put a stop to it before they take control and return this nation to the Jim Crow days, except with more fish.
Eammon Rockwell is a freshman majoring in communications. He can be reached through ed-op@thetriangle.org.
So after the dancing penguin movie came out, I assumed that the fad would die and we could get back to carpet-bombing the Antarctic to prevent thawed space monsters from infecting bearded researchers. However, the Hollywood fat-cats decided to milk this cow long after it went milk-less and released another movie featuring penguins that represent ethnic stereotypes. Although I can't prove it, I'm pretty sure that the penguins have stupid names like "Sassy, the blaxploitacious mentor played by Whoopi Goldberg so she could pay off the debt to society that comes with having taken nude photos of herself" and "Whitey, the cowardly hero played by Zach Braff because he's just stupid and needs to build a nest egg." The penguins weren't satisfied just being prejudiced within their own community. They had to spread their hatred beyond their Antarctic borders, and we must put a stop to it before they take control and return this nation to the Jim Crow days, except with more fish.
Eammon Rockwell is a freshman majoring in communications. He can be reached through ed-op@thetriangle.org.
Vince
posted 5/26/07 @ 3:23 AM EST
You don't like Don Henley? Why tell the world of your lack of musical taste?