No use grasping at weak straws
By: Eamonn Rockwell
Issue date: 4/27/07 Section: Ed-Op
Originally published: 4/27/07 at 3:18 AM EST
Last update: 4/27/07 at 3:18 AM EST
Originally published: 4/27/07 at 3:18 AM EST
Last update: 4/27/07 at 3:18 AM EST
But straws are merely the beginning of this decline in quality. If our straws are weak, how are we to expect our military to defend us? Brave soldiers are liberating American oil-wells from the villainous grip of Middle East dictators as we speak, and the government rewards them by not forcing straw-strengthening legislation down the throats of industry fatcats? I can handle a little spooning between the government and corporations, but this Strawgate scandal (I feel like a tool for adding "gate" to the end of any word, but there's no other word that could accurately convey the seriousness of this situation) is a full-fledged make-out session that threatens the lives of our troops. It starts with the straws, then the weakness spreads to the armor on our tanks and before you know it, the men and women of the US military are fighting completely naked. While this would be advantageous in the desert if the war was fought with Super Soakers, this does not help in an environment where dead goats are stuffed with bombs designed to explode whenever something passes by.
Nevertheless, we can only blame the fatcats so much before we must take a good long look in the mirror and smash it when the realization surfaces that this whole debacle is our collective fault. The entire nation is to blame for the lack of strengths in our straws and our foreign alliances. We didn't push this issue hard enough and, as a result, we're stuck with inadequate straws and a crumbling military supremacy that threatens our hegemony.
We were fooling ourselves into believing that our straws were stronger than they actually were, and now the grim specter of death is slowly descending on our freedom. Like a malevolent vulture, it circles in and simply waits for us to die so that it may feast on our delicious flesh once most of the meat has been torn off by larger, eviler countries and the carcass has been stuffed in the crotch of a tree.
Nevertheless, we can only blame the fatcats so much before we must take a good long look in the mirror and smash it when the realization surfaces that this whole debacle is our collective fault. The entire nation is to blame for the lack of strengths in our straws and our foreign alliances. We didn't push this issue hard enough and, as a result, we're stuck with inadequate straws and a crumbling military supremacy that threatens our hegemony.
We were fooling ourselves into believing that our straws were stronger than they actually were, and now the grim specter of death is slowly descending on our freedom. Like a malevolent vulture, it circles in and simply waits for us to die so that it may feast on our delicious flesh once most of the meat has been torn off by larger, eviler countries and the carcass has been stuffed in the crotch of a tree.
