The Triangle

Issue date: 4/6/07 Section: Ed-Op

I decided to humor my older brother during the break and sat down to watch American Idol. Before you send me off to a nunnery as if I were an unwed young maiden with child, I remembered to leave my Man-Badge and Man-Gun in my room so that I could watch the show without having to deny it and eventually turn them both in to the Man Association of Nevada, widely regarded as the manliest group in the manliest state in the Union. But while watching the flashing lights and colors behind these D-listers, it was revealed that the guest judge for that episode would be Gwen Stefani. To my surprise, Ms. Stefani looked much better than usual, almost as if she was a woman. It was at that precise moment that I remembered her condition and how it affects many women worldwide and plays hell with their lives. It's called Gwen Stefani Syndrome, and though it is particularly widespread in the celebrity community, the efforts to cure it and help these women rebuild their lives have been excruciatingly slow. The world needs to act now before this disease destroys all that we hold dear.

For those of you that are unfamiliar with GSS, it is a condition in women where one can appear to be incredibly attractive at one moment, but in the blink of an eye can transform into the love-child of Bigfoot and Jack Nicholson. To quell more accusations that I'm a misogynist pig with a miniscule Johnson, the condition exists in men as well, but I don't remember what celebrity it's named after. I think it might be called Jude Lawtism. The condition is more apparent among celebrities, but it affects over ten billion women around the globe. This is devastating because the world only has around three billion women, making this disease more than three hundred percent effective at ruining their chances for normal social interaction. Men have not evolved to the point where they can handle constant change in their lives, and having friends and lovers who constantly change appearances from one end of the spectrum to the complete opposite end can lead to schizophrenia, erectile dysfunction and eventually suicide by poisonous-Spiny-Sea-Urchin-bath.

Continued...

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