The Triangle

Issue date: 4/6/07 Section: Ed-Op
Originally published: 4/6/07 at 8:10 PM EST
Last update: 4/6/07 at 8:09 PM EST

Men excel at ensuring that everything stays exactly the same for as long as possible, and GSS thrives on creating chaos, which makes it an incredibly difficult virus to fight. The speed at which it has spread across planet earth has also slowed any progress against this horrendous condition. Scarlett Johansson, Julianne Moore and Uma Thurman are just three of the trillions of women affected by this wretched disease. If the scientific community does not drop whatever they're doing right now and help each other to find a cure, the confusion and paranoia that GSS creates will consume the entire world, causing panic the likes of which has never been seen. People will be too paralyzed with fear to even look at a celebrity, much less take hundreds of pictures of her from various angles while yelling obscenities at them hoping for a reaction. While the advantage of this situation is that there will be almost no paparazzi to worry about in our daily lives, this brings up the difficult question of whether or not western civilization can even survive in a climate that does not ceaselessly document the lives of people who, no longer having their looks, are rendered worthless in a cold and merciless land. Forced to survive on what little skills they have, the lucky ones will endure the misery of a solitary existence and live a life that could have only been dreamed up by Dostoevsky during the middle of one of his vast valleys of depression.

But why have scientists been unable to counter this disease the way they countered polio in the 1950s? Many important sources say the lack of funding and research towards a cure is caused by jealousy and apathy, though not necessarily in that order. Many leading scientists were socially rejected and taunted by people who went on to be celebrities, and therefore are in no hurry to help the people who made them find solace in the emptiness of a laboratory. Being isolated from pop-culture in the pursuit of finding vaccines for AIDS and cancer (if we create a vaccine, then we won't need to waste money finding a cure and distributing it every time someone gets infected, numbnuts) has made the scientific community unaware of the importance of these Spray-tanned idols whom the common man latches onto like a remora to a shark, thus making them unprepared and disinclined to want to synthesize a cure for GSS. We had this problem before when all the world's vaccine producers during the late 1970s and early 1980s were unbelievably homophobic, which prevented them from wanting to make an AIDS vaccine and stop it before it could spread. Because of their bigotry, we now have millions of people with AIDS and HIV and are still far from a vaccine despite improvements in medication to help those with the disease live longer and healthier lives. One killer disease that threatens mankind's very existence is enough, and I don't know if I have the chutzpah to deal with another.

We know our enemy, but knowing is only half the battle. The things we do know are severely overshadowed by the numerous facts that we don't know, like why it affects famous people 76% more often than commoners and how celebrities manage to still be photographed when the ravages of the disease are obvious to any bystanders. These are the hard questions that American citizens should be asking. While we distract ourselves with allegations of corruption and favoritism among the fat-cats in Washington, the physical appearance our own blue-blooded celebrities is taking on the look of a post-Civil War Atlanta. If we don't stop the ugliness, the only one who will is the Grim Reaper, and he will not be kind.



Eamonn Rockwell is a freshman majoring in communications. He can be reached through ed-op@thetriangle.org.

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