Spring Break
Baseball predictions: Albert Pujols takes justice into his own hands
Matt Schirano
Issue date: 3/9/07 Section: Ed-Op
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I can't wait for baseball to start this season; there are so many storylines to follow. Which ginormous off-season contract will turn out to be a waste? Will Barry Bonds break Hammerin' Hank's home run record? Will Bud Selig use Pete Rose for publicity and still snub him for the Hall of Fame? While only time can tell the answers to some of these, I have a few predictions I think are as sure to happen as Albert Pujols' dominance.
1. In the biggest baseball scandal outside of steroids this decade, it is revealed that Ichiro Suzuki is actually two identical people, one named Ichiro and the other called Suzuki. In a scheme resembling a plot from a Mary-Kate and Ashley movie, the two seamlessly come in and out of games, giving the appearance that a single Ichiro is running at extreme speeds, stealing bases and making spectacular defensive plays. Ichiro and Suzuki are fined $20,000 each, but are allowed to remain a single entity because, as Commissioner Bud Selig put it, "It's a sweet idea."
2. Much to the dismay of Phillies fans everywhere, Ryan Howard tests positive for steroids in July. He adamantly defends himself, saying he had no idea, but because of Rafael Palmeiro, Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds, nobody believes him. After a one-month suspension and a 12-game losing streak for the Phillies that eliminates their playoff hopes, Jose Canseco admits to having slipped steroids into Howard's anus during his sleep. When asked why he did it, Canseco said only, "Darryn Daulton told me to do it, and I thought it was a sweet idea."
3. Kerry Wood and Mark Prior finally deliver on all the hype, and become the driving force of a magical Chicago Cubs team. After clinching home field advantage, they cruise through the NL Division Series to move on and face the New York Mets in the NL Championship Series. In a show of faith and a joke for fans, the team films a "reverse-the-curse" commercial with Prior, Wood and Steve Bartman. All goes well until the final scene where the three give a jumping group high-five. At the peak of their righteousness, Woods and Prior both tear ligaments in their throwing arms, making them useless for the rest of the playoffs. Bartman is exiled to the island of Crete, and the Cubs are mercilessly swept by the eventual World Series Champion Mets.
1. In the biggest baseball scandal outside of steroids this decade, it is revealed that Ichiro Suzuki is actually two identical people, one named Ichiro and the other called Suzuki. In a scheme resembling a plot from a Mary-Kate and Ashley movie, the two seamlessly come in and out of games, giving the appearance that a single Ichiro is running at extreme speeds, stealing bases and making spectacular defensive plays. Ichiro and Suzuki are fined $20,000 each, but are allowed to remain a single entity because, as Commissioner Bud Selig put it, "It's a sweet idea."
2. Much to the dismay of Phillies fans everywhere, Ryan Howard tests positive for steroids in July. He adamantly defends himself, saying he had no idea, but because of Rafael Palmeiro, Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds, nobody believes him. After a one-month suspension and a 12-game losing streak for the Phillies that eliminates their playoff hopes, Jose Canseco admits to having slipped steroids into Howard's anus during his sleep. When asked why he did it, Canseco said only, "Darryn Daulton told me to do it, and I thought it was a sweet idea."
3. Kerry Wood and Mark Prior finally deliver on all the hype, and become the driving force of a magical Chicago Cubs team. After clinching home field advantage, they cruise through the NL Division Series to move on and face the New York Mets in the NL Championship Series. In a show of faith and a joke for fans, the team films a "reverse-the-curse" commercial with Prior, Wood and Steve Bartman. All goes well until the final scene where the three give a jumping group high-five. At the peak of their righteousness, Woods and Prior both tear ligaments in their throwing arms, making them useless for the rest of the playoffs. Bartman is exiled to the island of Crete, and the Cubs are mercilessly swept by the eventual World Series Champion Mets.
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