Baseball predictions: Albert Pujols takes justice into his own hands
By: Matt Schirano
Issue date: 3/9/07 Section: Ed-Op
Originally published: 3/9/07 at 6:47 AM EST
Last update: 3/9/07 at 6:47 AM EST
Originally published: 3/9/07 at 6:47 AM EST
Last update: 3/9/07 at 6:47 AM EST
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4. President George Bush throws out the ceremonial first pitch at the Washington Nationals' home opener. To be funny, guest of honor Robin Ventura pretends to be at bat. Bush's pitch is wild, and he accidentally hits Ventura, who slides into blind rage. Forgetting his place and remembering his shellacking at the hands of Nolan Ryan, he charges the mound still wielding his bat. He is promptly shot and killed by the Secret Service, which enrages both benches. The dugouts are cleared as they attempt to overwhelm the murderous S.S. Agents, who respond by opening fire on both teams. In the end, two-thirds of both teams are killed, and George Bush is suspended for three games. The event comes to be known as "The Day the Nationals Got an 'Out of Suck Free' Card," as they were able to field an entirely new team, and go on to win the World Series two years later.
5. Barry Bonds slowly creeps toward Hank Aaron's home run record over the course of the season. Much to the surprise of many, he has managed to avoid injury the entire year, only missing 30 games because he doesn't like playing when it conflicts with reruns of Star Trek: The Next Generation. As September approaches and San Francisco travels to St. Louis for a weekend series, Bonds is only two home runs away from tying the record. Hank Aaron is starting to attend games so that he may be there for the inevitable tying and breaking home runs, and he has made vocal his support for Bonds, though he will be disappointed if it turns out he did use illegal supplements.
All of this weighs heavily on the mind of Albert Pujols, whose unscrupulous, godlike system of morals won't allow for a man with potentially illegitimate chemicals in his body to break the record of an honorable man like Hank Aaron. In what will be regarded as the most incredibly surprising, yet laudable plays in baseball history, Pujols ends Bonds' season and career two home runs shy of Hank Aaron's record.
Pujols is up to bat, and Bonds is in left field thinking about the possibilities of creating monsters like in the second Ninja Turtles movie. Before the pitch, Pujols points his bat at Bonds and says, "Catch this, old man, you can't do an over-the-shoulder catch on the warning track!" Bonds says to bring it on, though in his head he agrees, and he watches as Pujols sends a ball to the warning track. Bonds decides this is it. He's going to make the play and prove to everyone that he's not too old. That he doesn't lack commitment. That he plays to win! Gradually, he begins to pick up momentum and starts looking over his shoulder to guide the ball into his glove. All of a sudden, he falls into a four-foot-deep pit that had been previously dug by Pujols the night before, and was thatched over with an excellently camouflaged mat of grass and small branches. Bonds breaks his leg in the fall, and his heart as well. Hank Aaron, meanwhile, is so touched by Pujols' effort that he creates a church in his name. Four hundred years from now the church becomes the establishment of the most dominant religion in the world: Pujolsian.
Don't be intimidated by my Nostradamus-like skills, I wasn't born with it. Most of these revelations are a product of my time spent with a special frog friend of mine, and some accidental ingestion of fungus. But regardless of the means of my visions, they should be heeded, lest their occurrence surprises you into mind-breaking bewilderment.
Matt Schirano is a pre-junior majoring in communications. He can be reached through ed-op@thetriangle.org.
5. Barry Bonds slowly creeps toward Hank Aaron's home run record over the course of the season. Much to the surprise of many, he has managed to avoid injury the entire year, only missing 30 games because he doesn't like playing when it conflicts with reruns of Star Trek: The Next Generation. As September approaches and San Francisco travels to St. Louis for a weekend series, Bonds is only two home runs away from tying the record. Hank Aaron is starting to attend games so that he may be there for the inevitable tying and breaking home runs, and he has made vocal his support for Bonds, though he will be disappointed if it turns out he did use illegal supplements.
All of this weighs heavily on the mind of Albert Pujols, whose unscrupulous, godlike system of morals won't allow for a man with potentially illegitimate chemicals in his body to break the record of an honorable man like Hank Aaron. In what will be regarded as the most incredibly surprising, yet laudable plays in baseball history, Pujols ends Bonds' season and career two home runs shy of Hank Aaron's record.
Pujols is up to bat, and Bonds is in left field thinking about the possibilities of creating monsters like in the second Ninja Turtles movie. Before the pitch, Pujols points his bat at Bonds and says, "Catch this, old man, you can't do an over-the-shoulder catch on the warning track!" Bonds says to bring it on, though in his head he agrees, and he watches as Pujols sends a ball to the warning track. Bonds decides this is it. He's going to make the play and prove to everyone that he's not too old. That he doesn't lack commitment. That he plays to win! Gradually, he begins to pick up momentum and starts looking over his shoulder to guide the ball into his glove. All of a sudden, he falls into a four-foot-deep pit that had been previously dug by Pujols the night before, and was thatched over with an excellently camouflaged mat of grass and small branches. Bonds breaks his leg in the fall, and his heart as well. Hank Aaron, meanwhile, is so touched by Pujols' effort that he creates a church in his name. Four hundred years from now the church becomes the establishment of the most dominant religion in the world: Pujolsian.
Don't be intimidated by my Nostradamus-like skills, I wasn't born with it. Most of these revelations are a product of my time spent with a special frog friend of mine, and some accidental ingestion of fungus. But regardless of the means of my visions, they should be heeded, lest their occurrence surprises you into mind-breaking bewilderment.
Matt Schirano is a pre-junior majoring in communications. He can be reached through ed-op@thetriangle.org.
