Spring Break
Xenu vs. Rockwell: The phight for Philly
Eamonn Rockwell
Issue date: 3/2/07 Section: Ed-Op
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Before you even think about anything else, I know that this article will probably sound like it was written by the Iron Skeptic guy, but let me assure you that this is an Eamonn Rockwell original. There's a three-step process that can almost guarantee that what you are reading has been written by me or the unpaid intern who sleeps above my closet. The signs of originality are as follows:
•The article contains lots of side comments that are irrelevant to what the story is about, like an episode of Family Guy.
•There is at least one remark that insults women, an ethnic group or the size of my genitals.
•My parents hate it.
Now that you know how to prove if something is a genuine Rockwell writing, you can begin not caring. Anyhorse, I was watching the episode of South Park that makes fun of scientology when I had an epiphany. When they showed an artist's rendering of Xenu, the scourge of the galaxy who murdered millions of aliens 75 million years ago, dumped their frozen bodies into volcanoes on Earth, sucked up their souls, brainwashed them in giant facilities, and then released them to wander the Earth and inhabit humans even to this day, it made me angry that yet another alien had ruined society by doing God's work for less money. By the way, if any scientologist lawyer happens to read this article and sue my dilapidated pants off, I found this information on the Internet, so kiss my black ass.
Besides, the scientologists and I are on the same side this time. It is obvious that Xenu, like my ex-girlfriend, done me wrong. This isn't like the Cuban Missile Crisis, where we can just sit around and do nothing when insulted; this is serious business. That is why I propose that Xenu and I fight it out in what may be the greatest boxing match in the 6,000-year history of the universe. I've tried both diplomacy and millions of dollars worth of e-meter tests, but Xenu has rejected any diplomatic solution, meaning that the only reasonable course of action left is for both of us to step onto a square canvas and punch each other until one of us dies from brain damage. Naturally, it will be held in beautiful downtown Las Vegas and be promoted by none other than Don King. I suspect it will sound a little something like this:
•The article contains lots of side comments that are irrelevant to what the story is about, like an episode of Family Guy.
•There is at least one remark that insults women, an ethnic group or the size of my genitals.
•My parents hate it.
Now that you know how to prove if something is a genuine Rockwell writing, you can begin not caring. Anyhorse, I was watching the episode of South Park that makes fun of scientology when I had an epiphany. When they showed an artist's rendering of Xenu, the scourge of the galaxy who murdered millions of aliens 75 million years ago, dumped their frozen bodies into volcanoes on Earth, sucked up their souls, brainwashed them in giant facilities, and then released them to wander the Earth and inhabit humans even to this day, it made me angry that yet another alien had ruined society by doing God's work for less money. By the way, if any scientologist lawyer happens to read this article and sue my dilapidated pants off, I found this information on the Internet, so kiss my black ass.
Besides, the scientologists and I are on the same side this time. It is obvious that Xenu, like my ex-girlfriend, done me wrong. This isn't like the Cuban Missile Crisis, where we can just sit around and do nothing when insulted; this is serious business. That is why I propose that Xenu and I fight it out in what may be the greatest boxing match in the 6,000-year history of the universe. I've tried both diplomacy and millions of dollars worth of e-meter tests, but Xenu has rejected any diplomatic solution, meaning that the only reasonable course of action left is for both of us to step onto a square canvas and punch each other until one of us dies from brain damage. Naturally, it will be held in beautiful downtown Las Vegas and be promoted by none other than Don King. I suspect it will sound a little something like this:
Viewing Comments 1 - 2 of 3
James Lightfield
posted 3/02/07 @ 2:37 PM EST
I am not certain if you were serious when you wrote, "...so kiss my black ass." The reason I'm not certain is because of your article that so clearly demonstrates your deep and insightful nature and ability to evaluate data. (Continued…)
JeraldR
posted 3/02/07 @ 6:34 PM EST
Oh no!!! I can't get page 2 to come up. And I have all my milk money riding on Rockwell in the first round!
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