Ants: The world's most devious insect
Eamonn Rockwell
Issue date: 1/26/07 Section: Ed-Op
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Watching the news in this day and age is a depressing endeavor. It mostly consists of "blah blah violence in Iraq" or "blah blah political scandal."
One day, while sitting around in my room trying to freebase cocaine, I decided to investigate the reasons behind depressing news. It seems as if events like these have been occurring ever since the dawn of humanity, and even though I knew that something evil was causing it, I could not pinpoint the exact reason or reasons for all of the world's problems. But all of that changed when I was playing Resistance: Fall of Man.
The basic plot is that humans get infected with some virus/insect that turns them into alien-zombies that try to kill you. Although the game is allegedly science fiction, it made me look around and see the similarities between the game and my own life, except for the fact that "The Man" won't let me carry ridiculously high-powered weapons around. After a thirty-year investigation that took me to the most evil places known to man (North Korea, the Sahara Desert and New Jersey, to name a few), I have found the origin of betrayal and corruption, and it turns out to be ants.
You are not drunk, and if you are drunk, then you shouldn't be reading any newspaper other than USA Today. The last sentence of the previous paragraph indicates that ants are the primary source of evil on this planet, and it is the most accurate statement I have ever made. I was blind for so long, in part because I would mix antifreeze in with my Diet Coke, but now I see. As a child, ants were everywhere in my house, and it wasn't just because I grew up in a shack with three walls. It was obvious in retrospect that they were gearing up for something diabolical and had simply chosen my house as a place to congregate before their evil plan came to fruition.
Some of you may be wondering how I found out that ants were evil and what their plans are, and how I have managed to not be sedated by the authorities. All of those questions will either be answered or not answered. It's not like I have all day to report this kind of information.
One day, while sitting around in my room trying to freebase cocaine, I decided to investigate the reasons behind depressing news. It seems as if events like these have been occurring ever since the dawn of humanity, and even though I knew that something evil was causing it, I could not pinpoint the exact reason or reasons for all of the world's problems. But all of that changed when I was playing Resistance: Fall of Man.
The basic plot is that humans get infected with some virus/insect that turns them into alien-zombies that try to kill you. Although the game is allegedly science fiction, it made me look around and see the similarities between the game and my own life, except for the fact that "The Man" won't let me carry ridiculously high-powered weapons around. After a thirty-year investigation that took me to the most evil places known to man (North Korea, the Sahara Desert and New Jersey, to name a few), I have found the origin of betrayal and corruption, and it turns out to be ants.
You are not drunk, and if you are drunk, then you shouldn't be reading any newspaper other than USA Today. The last sentence of the previous paragraph indicates that ants are the primary source of evil on this planet, and it is the most accurate statement I have ever made. I was blind for so long, in part because I would mix antifreeze in with my Diet Coke, but now I see. As a child, ants were everywhere in my house, and it wasn't just because I grew up in a shack with three walls. It was obvious in retrospect that they were gearing up for something diabolical and had simply chosen my house as a place to congregate before their evil plan came to fruition.
Some of you may be wondering how I found out that ants were evil and what their plans are, and how I have managed to not be sedated by the authorities. All of those questions will either be answered or not answered. It's not like I have all day to report this kind of information.
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
Larry Storch
posted 1/27/07 @ 12:24 AM EST
I tried to freebase hot chocolate once. Somehow I failed to set myself on fire. I must have misread the directions. I was distracted, also, by the fire ants ringing my desert camp, waiting out there. (Continued…)
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