The Triangle

Issue date: 4/1/05 Section: Ed-Op

Sad clown, still dateless

I don't want to go to the Northeast. In the Northeast, it is illegal to own lumber. Every home is made of brick. Even the trees would be made of brick, except that there are no trees. They were all cut down to make room for the brick vendors. The FBI watches the building supply stores and if you buy lumber you are arrested and taken to Guantanamo Bay. Your neighbors would turn your ass in if they saw you with a two by four. There is a seedy underground from which you can purchase various tree related products and there is a public information campaign that is being put out that this is the behavior of delinquents and perverts and the average person is a good upstanding citizen that wants nothing to do with lumber.

I don't want to go to the Northeast. In the Northeast, everyone smokes, and you cannot see the sky. If you fell off a building in the Northeast, none of which are more than three stories high because they are all made of bricks and only bricks, you would land in a safety net of telephone wires, power wires, trolley wires, and all sorts of other wires. They blanket the Northeast like a spider web that descended from the sky. Even if these were not there even the dogs and birds can be seen with cigarettes dangling from their mouths. Even the babies and the old people smoke and some of them will cut you man if you don't.

They've even got brands of cigarettes that they have in the Northeast that no one else is allowed to know about they won't let you know about them even if you're the king of cigarettes you'll still never find out about Newfields and Chesterport Lights and Carolina Slims. Everyone in the Northeast knows each other, and if they don't know you you're not allowed to know. No, no no.

I don't want to go to the Northeast. In the Northeast, women do not give birth to children, they give birth to brand names. I just had a darling little Nautica one mother will say and another will say do you want to see pictures of my Tommy Hilfiger he's almost two. Then darling little Fubu will run into the room and say something to his mother and his mother will say run along dearie can't you see that the adults are talking. It seems that little Levi Strauss is having problems in school again oh well says the other mother he always was better at working you should just find him a job not like those goddamn spoiled Gucchi kids. I hate those goddamn Gucchi kids that's not what the mother is saying that is what I am saying I hate them I've had to work my whole life and now those Gucchi kids have a show on Fox they should be chopped into pieces and put on display as a warning to others that being rich is not an excuse for being stupid I hate them.

In the Northeast there are more cars than there are parking spaces and there are more parking spaces than there are people. Some believe that the cars are intelligent and they are slowly taking over and they get bigger and bigger and bigger each year. Not just bigger but flashier too made of metals of gold of silver and of more exotic metals like tungsten and ytterbium. I was at a car dealership one and I swear to god I swear with your god as my witness that they had cars with rims that were made of depleted uranium. It took up three parking spots and had an onboard computer. That makes me nervous onboard computers didn't anyone see Blade Runner why am I the only one that sees the problem why am I the only one that knows that giving computer depleted uranium rims and steering wheels that are made of probably neptunium or one of those crazy elements with the three letter symbols is a bad idea.

Not the three letter symbols, that comes from Latin because science ran out of creativity and the Soviets wanted to call every new element Leninium and Americans wanted Rooseveltium or something and so they had to use Latin to keep away from nuclear war, ha, the irony, ha ha, but I mean that the idea of giving these rare metals to computers is a bad idea. But that's what they do in the Northeast it's the beginning of the end man.

I don't want to go to the Northeast. Please don't make me go to the Northeast.

Grundel McBeef is a guest commentator.

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