Spring Break
'World Series of Poker' drags sports to all-time low
Dan Shaeffer
Issue date: 3/12/04 Section: Entertainment
Recently, ESPN has been airing a sporting event called "No Limit Texas Hold 'em," also referred to as the "World Series of Poker." People see World Series and poker in the same sentence and think, baseball and poker, what could go wrong? When I first saw the program, it wasn't at all like the kind of fusion that I thought it would be. I was picturing a mixture like Ultimate Frisbee, in which football and Frisbee are merged. I was envisioning a baseball field where players would have to bluff their way around the bases instead of stealing, or something to that effect. Much to my surprise, however, instead of mixing games, ESPN aired a real game of people playing poker. What kind of money problems is ESPN having when they have to lower themselves to going outside of their station's definition? ESPN stands for Entertainment and Sports Programming Network.
According to Webster's Dictionary, a sport is an athletic activity requiring skill or physical prowess and often of a competitive nature. A baseball diamond with players bluffing to get to bases would have fit this definition. ESPN figured that they would just use the regular American guys to compete in their idea of a conglomerate sport. I'm sorry, but I don't see anything athletic about four guys sitting around a table playing cards.
Let's look at Texas Hold 'em. Can it be athletic? In this game the players are given two cards to hold. Nothing like ESPN's show, The World's Strongest Man, in which participants have to hold onto 300-pound shields with their arms and run around; nope, in this game you have to hold on to two cards, you can put them down whenever you want to, and you're still in the game - actually its encouraged to keep those cards as close to down as possible. As a matter of fact, the players are trying to see who can move the least. Just the sport we need to keep the in-shape, average men in our society from getting obese and lazy.
The sporting world has hit an all-time low here. There is no other aired sporting event like this one that will require less movement. These athletes are trained day in and day out how to keep their emotions to themselves and trick others into losing all of their money. After I realized what ESPN was doing, I figured that since I usually turned to them for support when it comes to role models like Allen Iverson, Michael Jordan and Shaquille O'Neal, I knew that they knew what a good role model should be.
"That's it!" I said. I'm going to quit everything right now and start training to become a professional World Series of Poker player. Why go on with trying to be a pro basketball player or bowler? Degenerate gambling has become my new sporting niche.
Instead of heading home after having a couple of drinks at the local watering hole so I can get up early the next day for a flag football tournament, I'll stay at the bar and play poker til nine in the morning. It's what I'm training for now, and luckily, since it's so fun and popular, all my friends want to start training for it, too. Now, every Tuesday and Wednesday we meet up and get all of our money together. Instead of having to deal with those weird balls, gloves and equipment used in most sports, all you need is yourself and your money. Usually it's only your paycheck that you lose, but if you need more money, then you can just consult with your wife or girlfriend.
Thank goodness that ESPN isn't airing something like men's backyard wiffleball or street basketball because then everybody would be running around and playing outside, and most of us know how much it sucks to be outside. All my life I've been looking for a sport that would keep me in the house and my money on the table. Having your money in the bank account really sucks because you don't really have that money, do you? When money is in your pocket, people feel more confident and more likely to spend it, and what better way to spend it than a sport that ESPN makes look really cool. Since ESPN is airing this show and people really like it, poker is starting to be shown on other stations to keep this kind of sport out there and in the faces of all males.
Since the future athletes and role models of America are guys like Chris Moneymaker, a 300-pound guy who started by playing Internet poker, and Sammy Farha, who has a cigarette in his mouth whenever he plays, it is only logical that we make these people our new role models and embrace this new sport with open arms. To think that for all those years I thought that a guy like Kobe Bryant, who played a couple of basketball games and won a couple of little championships, was a big deal. See how Kobe ended up, a wash-up who cheated on his wife. I'm going to take after the real men in this country - the fat, lazy, degenerate gamblers who hang out in smoke-filled casinos. Thanks, ESPN, for showing me a new breed of athletes that my friends and I can look up to.
Dan Shaeffer is a pre-junior majoring in business administration.
According to Webster's Dictionary, a sport is an athletic activity requiring skill or physical prowess and often of a competitive nature. A baseball diamond with players bluffing to get to bases would have fit this definition. ESPN figured that they would just use the regular American guys to compete in their idea of a conglomerate sport. I'm sorry, but I don't see anything athletic about four guys sitting around a table playing cards.
Let's look at Texas Hold 'em. Can it be athletic? In this game the players are given two cards to hold. Nothing like ESPN's show, The World's Strongest Man, in which participants have to hold onto 300-pound shields with their arms and run around; nope, in this game you have to hold on to two cards, you can put them down whenever you want to, and you're still in the game - actually its encouraged to keep those cards as close to down as possible. As a matter of fact, the players are trying to see who can move the least. Just the sport we need to keep the in-shape, average men in our society from getting obese and lazy.
The sporting world has hit an all-time low here. There is no other aired sporting event like this one that will require less movement. These athletes are trained day in and day out how to keep their emotions to themselves and trick others into losing all of their money. After I realized what ESPN was doing, I figured that since I usually turned to them for support when it comes to role models like Allen Iverson, Michael Jordan and Shaquille O'Neal, I knew that they knew what a good role model should be.
"That's it!" I said. I'm going to quit everything right now and start training to become a professional World Series of Poker player. Why go on with trying to be a pro basketball player or bowler? Degenerate gambling has become my new sporting niche.
Instead of heading home after having a couple of drinks at the local watering hole so I can get up early the next day for a flag football tournament, I'll stay at the bar and play poker til nine in the morning. It's what I'm training for now, and luckily, since it's so fun and popular, all my friends want to start training for it, too. Now, every Tuesday and Wednesday we meet up and get all of our money together. Instead of having to deal with those weird balls, gloves and equipment used in most sports, all you need is yourself and your money. Usually it's only your paycheck that you lose, but if you need more money, then you can just consult with your wife or girlfriend.
Thank goodness that ESPN isn't airing something like men's backyard wiffleball or street basketball because then everybody would be running around and playing outside, and most of us know how much it sucks to be outside. All my life I've been looking for a sport that would keep me in the house and my money on the table. Having your money in the bank account really sucks because you don't really have that money, do you? When money is in your pocket, people feel more confident and more likely to spend it, and what better way to spend it than a sport that ESPN makes look really cool. Since ESPN is airing this show and people really like it, poker is starting to be shown on other stations to keep this kind of sport out there and in the faces of all males.
Since the future athletes and role models of America are guys like Chris Moneymaker, a 300-pound guy who started by playing Internet poker, and Sammy Farha, who has a cigarette in his mouth whenever he plays, it is only logical that we make these people our new role models and embrace this new sport with open arms. To think that for all those years I thought that a guy like Kobe Bryant, who played a couple of basketball games and won a couple of little championships, was a big deal. See how Kobe ended up, a wash-up who cheated on his wife. I'm going to take after the real men in this country - the fat, lazy, degenerate gamblers who hang out in smoke-filled casinos. Thanks, ESPN, for showing me a new breed of athletes that my friends and I can look up to.
Dan Shaeffer is a pre-junior majoring in business administration.
